It is a little known fact that the Inferno was not Dante’s first adventure. Before he met Virgil in the dark woods, he chanced upon another hierarchy—one that has remained a secret until now.
He was wandering along the gloomy forest trail (or what he hoped was a trail), desperate in the search for an escape from this verdant labyrinth, when all of a sudden a peculiar rhythm came to his ear. It sounded remarkably like—unless he was very much mistaken—carnival music.
Soon after entertaining this thought, he found the ancient, twisted trees had opened out to an expansive clearing, which was occupied, unmistakably, by an immense circus tent, red and white stripes running down its canvas fringes. Upon closer examination, he perceived a flag extending upward from the top of the pavilion, but when he saw the image upon it, he had to do a double take.
Yet sure enough, the emblem was clearly a human stick figure with the top of its head lifted open like a treasure chest; its brain was in the process of flying away on little wings.
Now even more curious, Dante approached the big top. But before he could reach the entrance flap, it burst open, and the most intriguing character skipped up to him with a jocund sort of swag.
He was a clown, complete with the stout figure, bald head save for two tufts of orange hair sticking out to the sides, heavily make-upped face, round red nose, huge striped suspenders, gloves, and ridiculously large boots. And as far as Dante could tell, his demeanor fit the bill as well: The eccentric man was bouncing up and down like a child about to walk into Disneyland, his grin inhumanely wide, his eyes dancing.
“Well, hello there!” the clown exclaimed in a sort of throaty chuckle. “I’m your guide today through the Circus of Follies!”
He then proceeded to go on an outrageous bout of chuckling which lasted so irritatingly long that Dante was about to turn around and walk away when the clown finally recomposed himself enough to speak.
“Follow…me!” he said, pointing a rainbow-swirled lollipop toward the tent. Without waiting for a response, the bizarre man led the way inside. Dante shrugged, figured he had nothing better to do, and followed suit.
Inside this initial and every subsequent chamber, he found there to be a circular hallway encompassing the perimeter of the outer tent on one side and a blue tarp wall on the other. Carnival music, apparently sourceless, played continuously. The clown guided him around one full circuit of each layer before proceeding through the flap to the next. And upon beholding the occupants of each circle, his amazement increased.
1: The Ignoramus
The First Circle of Follies, the clown explained as they walked, was by far the least condemning and, in a way, was not truly a form of stupidity at all. Herein dwelled those who were uneducated and uninformed in life. These were they who were ignorant of truth primarily because they did not have the opportunity to know it. Dante noticed among these many inhabitants of primitive cultures or restrictive nations that were underdeveloped or ruled by such governments that prevented its citizens from learning more than they deemed necessary.
Dante observed the fate of these people to be subjected to a number of tedious face-painting booths, the absurdity of the design varying according to the person’s level of ignorance. For instance, some were burdened by no more than a small butterfly on one cheek, while others’ entire faces and necks were decaled to resemble pandas or obscure Star Wars characters. But all of these were clearly impermanent, washable humiliations.
Having completed the circuit, the clown finished this portion of the tour by adding that these were the only ones who had the potential to go directly to heaven from this point; all the deeper levels would have to endure a degree of Hell or at least Purgatory.
2: The Impractical
Dante entered the Second Circle and beheld multitudes with a wide variety of maladies. Some looked drowsy and zombie-like; others were missing any number of clothing articles and were wandering around in an aimless panic, frequently asking him and the clown if they had seen their shirts, pants, shoes, etc. Several, he noticed, sprinted unceasingly around the ring, passing them at least four times during the tour and glancing constantly at a broken watch, muttering like the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Still others carried enormous weights on their backs, the size of their burden proportional to the unpaid debt they had accumulated. It was nothing short of chaos.
The clown explained how these were they who had neglected practical matters in life, frequently forgetting important things, arriving late to appointments, building up monstrous amounts of debt, finding themselves unprepared for various situations, or just being disorganized in general. With a little effort, they might have avoided many of their mortal trials by attending responsibly to earthly affairs.
3: The Fool Who Follows the Fool
Moving on to the Third Circle, Dante found a long train of people progressing steadily around the ring, each individual’s hands on the shoulders of the person in front of him. But what struck Dante as most peculiar was the fact that all of them had bags on their heads and could not possibly see where they were going (which, considering it was a circle, happened to be nowhere). What made matters even worse for them were the nails, banana peels, mousetraps, oil slicks, burning coals, and a plethora of other unpleasant items to step on that formed a dense layer of clutter on the ground and often caused them to slip, stumble, or cry out in pain.
According to the clown, this circle comprised those who foolishly followed the masses without sparing a moment for individual thought. These people had been content to blindly follow corrupt leaders, go along with mindless mob movements, and base their actions on friends who were bad influences. Thus, they were made to march endlessly to the beat of another’s drum, as they had chosen to do in life.
4: The Chronic Skeptic
Within the Fourth Circle, the people were all stretched out on the ground, so Dante and the clown had to step very carefully in order to avoid trampling them. Dante wondered what sort of punishment was this, seeing as he could hear no cries of pain and the occupants seemed to be as content as kids at a sleepover, but then his query was answered with a loud animalic bellow from behind him. He and the clown had to press themselves to the sides of the chamber to avoid being crushed by the elephants that paraded by, giving no heed to the people beneath them. Two monkeys, clad in conductors’ hats and armed with tomatoes, pelted the human carpet with their messy projectiles for good measure. And yet, strangely enough, when the procession had passed, the recently squashed individuals went on incessant rants claiming they refused to believe there were any elephants or monkeys in the tent to speak of.
These, the clown explained, were those who always disagreed for the sake of disagreeing. They doubted, argued, criticized, and rejected everything imaginable as if that was their sole purpose in life. Dante notice among these many politicians, movie critics, religious crusaders, and lawyers.
5: The Knowledgeable
The Fifth Circle, in comparison to previous circles, was deathly quiet. Dante was surprised to find people seated at desks, completing what appeared to be examinations. But upon closer observation, he realized these tests were of the most basic and ridiculous nature. Such questions were posed as, “What is your first name?” “Is orange a color of the rainbow?” “What is 2 + 2?” and “Why did Fred break up with Mary last weekend?” In addition, he noticed they consistently answered every single question with laughable falsehoods. And once they had finished the test, their abysmal scores appeared on the sheets, their written answers vanished, and they began the test anew, filling in the exact same responses as before.
Bringing clarity to this situation, the clown asserted that these were they who thought they knew a lot about the world—or even everything—when they really didn’t. These people were often misinformed and later told so, but insisted on holding to the original claims. Dante learned how many among this group were gossipers, devout consumers of unreliable news sources, and people who assumed they knew every detail about the personal lives of celebrities and public figures when in reality their expertise extended no further than the knowledge of a complete stranger.
6: The Telepathic
As Dante progressed into the Sixth Circle, the stupidity of those around him was beginning to seem almost tangible. The residents of this ring were in an almost continuous state of mutation. Two people would stare at one another; one might transform into a gluttonous pig, while the other might have his head turn into a balloon. There was a high level of tension as Dante circled this crowd, and he was all the more grateful that his journey around each ring was growing shorter and shorter as he neared the center. Eventually, he surmised that one person became whatever the other person thought of him. If one thought the other to be unnaturally feminine, he became so. If the other thought his companion to be a piece of crap, he morphed accordingly.
The clown could not help but chuckle as he expounded how these were they who thought they knew what other people were thinking. Any who often made use of phrases such as “You think you’re…” or “I know what you’re thinking” could qualify for this degree of stupidity.
7: The Generalizer
Moving on to the Seventh Circle, Dante perceived a throng of extreme monotony. Average Joes, with precisely the same generic facial features, hairdos, builds and outfits, sat emotionlessly in identical chairs working on equally identical desks and computers. What was more, they made the exact same movements at the exact same time—from scratching their heads to shifting their positions, even to the meaningless projects they were composing on the computers. Unlike other circles, all the walls and surfaces were a dull gray, and even the carnival music had been replaced with an irritating electronic hum.
These, the clown revealed, were those who made foolish generalizations. This included stereotypes and other broad assumptions. Any type of racist or sexist person was bound to spend time in this level, as well as those who acted upon stereotypes about cliques, social classes, or religious backgrounds.
8: The Crowd-Pleaser
Within the Eighth Circle, Dante found what he saw still more amusing, but also more horrifying. This ring was very small but still contained a great many occupants, all of whom appeared to be performing shockingly stupid feats. Some were sticking their hands into the mouths of lions, promptly lost them, heard the cheering of some invisible mass of spectators, and presently repeated the act after the hand regenerated. Others wrestled crocodiles and bears, had their heads ripped off and then reattached by the creatures, generated applause from their unseen fanbase, and submitted themselves to beheading again due to the encouragement.
The clown defined these as those who were willing to do extremely unwise things for the sake of pleasing those around them. This included many drug users, gangbangers, class clowns, daredevils, and fanatics who simply sought attention. Such retardation, he went on to say, was almost at the pinnacle of stupidity. Almost.
9: The Anti-Learner
Finally, Dante entered the Ninth and Final Circle of Follies, which was not a ring but was in fact a circular room. He expected the most grievous of humiliations here—and was not disappointed.
The occupants were seated in the center of the room facing a gigantic plasma screen that was playing interminable reruns of Barney and Teletubbies, while on the other end books were rising off of a bookcase and smashing themselves upon the heads of the television-viewers. But even when the entire bookcase itself occasionally crashed down upon them, their glazed eyes remained fixed on the screen, unfazed by what should have been a fatal experience.
The clown sadly identified this as the fate of those who resist opportunities for intellectual growth. Unlike the Ignoramus, these poor souls had every chance to become educated and enlightened members of society, but they willfully chose to deny themselves knowledge.
The next thing he knew, Dante had awoken in the middle of the forest, hopefully lost once again. Dazed, he arose and began wandering once more, not knowing what other terrible sights he might behold, but sure they could not be much worse than what he had already seen.
The Commonplace Notebook 