Approval: Earned or Won?

“Have you ever noticed that idiots tend to have a lot of friends?”

Marcus Zusak, author of I Am the Messenger, has been one of many to notice this trend. All human beings (not just teenagers) often find themselves focusing on one ambiguous goal: the approval of others. However, it never seems to occur to some that there is more than one method available to acquire that approval, and there is more than one type of approval that may be acquired.

An individual may be well respected, popular, both, or neither. But all of us face situations where we must make a choice between one type of approval and the other—between respect and popularity. We have to decide whether we want to be the idiotic stud muffin who has lots of friends until graduation or the hardworking, scrupulous person who earns the lifelong respect of his peers.

There are innumerable instances in which this sort of decision must be made. For example, suppose a group of 7th grade boys are eating lunch together. Suddenly, they turn on one kid and insist that he stand on the table and do Michael Jackson impersonations. The kid is torn between securing the approval of his classmates and preserving his respectability. No matter what the boy does, he cannot avoid losing one form of approval or the other. His decision would be made easier, however, if he understood what each approval really means and which one means more to him.

It is not difficult to see why the concepts of respect and popularity are so often confused and merged into one universal form of approval. Both can appear to bring about the same result, generating a devoted flock of acquaintances to the possessor of either quality. On the surface, it does not seem to matter to us exactly why we are liked—just the fact that we are liked. What does it matter that over half of my Facebook friends were accumulated only after posting a humiliating video of myself on Youtube? People obviously like me; I have over 500 friends!

However, to be liked is a more complicated concept than acceptance over a social network. What kind of affinity do those 500 “friends” actually have for the internet user in question? Gaining approval through Youtube shenanigans is not the same as connecting with human beings face-to-face and earning their thorough admiration. Look any closer at respect and popularity, and their differences become as clear as night and day.

To begin with, how does one gain respect? Respect is based on the quality of the person. It is engendered by displays of impressive character, stances of personal integrity, evidence of a strong work ethic, accomplishments of a challenging nature, and other ennobling acts. The 7th grade boy would most likely maintain at least a silent respect from many of his fellow adolescents if he refused to comply with the group’s demands.

Popularity, on the other hand, requires an outstanding personality (meaning that it “stands out,” for whatever reason), for without this, a person is left socially inept and incapable of holding his own as the center of attention. Popularity can be attained through an engaging sense of humor (frequently at the expense of others), an extroverted and outgoing demeanor, a controversial or rebellious attitude, or other attention-getting traits. Making a fool of himself in front of hundreds of people would quite possibly bolster the 7th grader’s popularity. Another way to look at how these approvals are grasped is this: respect is like a regular, wage-paying job; popularity is akin to the lottery. The former must be earned, while the latter must be won.

Then, once that respect or popularity has been obtained, how exactly does it show itself? When someone is well-respected, people look up to him. They admire the qualities that separate him from the rest. Respect for someone leads to trust, reliance, and encouragement, causing both the respecter and the respected to feel better about themselves. The well-respected individual may not always have tons of people competing for his attention—he might not even be aware of how much people respect him.

By way of contrast, popular people always know they are popular, and they ensure that it works to their advantage. Instead of becoming a role model worthy of imitation, a popular person becomes like a pig that has rolled in the mud before the rest. Other pigs crowd around him, hoping some of his mud will rub off on them. Unnoticed by these, the few respectable swine are off feasting upon the feeding trough, not caring for such trivialities as mud when there are more wholesome things to be had.

And just as approval can be extended, the same can be withdrawn. People can lose respect if they behave poorly, adopt a slothful lifestyle, or disregard their standards for the sake of convenience. Popularity is equally disposable, though not lost for the same reasons. An individual’s social status can plummet instantly if he does something against the social norms of the day. Furthermore, if he so much as associates himself too often with another of lesser prestige, he may be demoted, even without words, to a lower level of popularity. In short, respect is lost by going with the crowd, while popularity is lost by going against it.

Most significantly of all, how long will either approval last? Many adults confess that out of all the dozens or hundreds of high school friends they had, there are maybe two or three they still keep in contact with. And these surviving connections do not usually include the kid that was convinced to moonwalk in the cafeteria. In reality, the relationships that endure are those where people respect each other for who they are—not for what they did to provide amusement.

Then we look at popularity, which often begins and ends with school and usually never comes up again—even at the class’s 50-year reunion. Compared to the long-term rewards of being respected, popularity seems as temporary and trivial as a haircut.

So, knowing all this, the pressured 7th grader makes his decision. Ever so eloquently, the boy explains to the rest of the group that “I’m not that stupid,” thus causing some of the group to feel stupid for suggesting it, and the others to at least leave him with his homemade turkey sandwich and his dignity intact.

By doing so, this sagacious young man has judged the value of being respected to be far above that of being popularized. He chose not to be the happy idiot. He realized that as far as popularity is concerned, those who matter do not care. And those who care do not matter.