This was a fun little project I did for my “Myth, Legend, and Folktales” class. It’s inspired by the “How It Should Have Ended” Youtube series. Yes, some of them are just dumb; but that’s the spirit of the series. There are also some crazy crossovers, ridiculed plot holes, and a couple running jokes that you’ll have to read all the screenplay sketches to understand.

Enjoy!

CONTENTS

Part I

Aladdin

Beauty and the Beast

Little Red Riding Hood

Adam & Eve

Part II

Pinocchio

The Gingerbread Man

The Epic of Gilgamesh

Rumpelstiltskin

The Little Mermaid

The Mwindo Epic

Part III

The Three Little Pigs

The Wizard of Oz

Cupid & Psyche

ALADDIN

Aladdin escapes the palace celebrations following Jafar’s defeat to meet with Genie on one of the palace’s upper balconies. He summons Genie from the lamp and smiles.

Aladdin: Genie, you saved us all from becoming Jafar’s slaves. I can never repay the debt Agrabah owes you, but I think I can start by finally setting you free.

Genie: *dumbfounded* Really, Al? After all these years…you’d use your last wish to free me from the lamp?

Aladdin: *laughs* What are you talking about? I haven’t even used any of my wishes yet. Let’s not get carried away; I’m gonna use two of them first and then free you with the third.

Genie: *frowns* I think you’ve forgotten how to count, my friend—or developed some kind of short-term memory loss. Don’t you remember wishing to be a prince?

Aladdin: Yeah…but all I got was some fancy new clothes, an animal parade, and some musical accompaniment. You never actually made me a prince; you just disguised me as one. So I’ve still got that wish to use.

Genie: But… *grudgingly realizes the Arab boy is right* Fine. But then there’s the time I save you from drowning. How do you explain your way around that one?

Aladdin: Simple. Did I ever actually wish for you to save me?

Genie: No, but I assumed…*sighs and relents* Okay, then; you win, Al. What are your real wishes?

Aladdin: First, I wish for infinite wishes.

Genie: Are you kidding me? I’ve told you the rules, kid—

Aladdin: I know: no killing, no falling in love, and no raising the dead. Unless I’m mistaken, asking for more wishes doesn’t fall into any of those categories.

Genie: True…but even if I could grant you infinite wishes, that would mean I’d be enslaved to you forever, which kind of goes against the whole point of freeing me with your last wish, doesn’t it?

Aladdin: That’s a good point. So let me rephrase my wish: I wish for you to create an infinite number of new genies for me to get wishes from.

Genie: Make new genies? What makes you think that’s even possible?

Aladdin: Didn’t you just make Jafar a genie?

Genie: *drags a hand over his face* I give up.

[Take Two]

Aladdin: I wish for the revocation of the rule prohibiting unlimited wishes.

[Take Three]

Aladdin: I wish for a finite but arbitrarily large number of wishes.

[Take Four]

Aladdin: I wish for the power to dictate the rules governing wishes.

[Take Five]

Aladdin: I wish that genies be required to interpret wishes in accordance with the intent of the wisher.

[Take Six]

Aladdin: I wish for veto power over others’ wishes and the power to override any veto.

[Take Seven]

Aladdin: I wish for a universe which is a replica of this one without rules against meta-wishes, and for free transportation to and from that universe.

[Scene Change]

Jafar is attacking the palace and trying to steal the lamp from Aladdin. Aladdin quickly summons the genie.

Genie: Al, you know I can’t kill anybody. I think you should just give up and let Jafar take over the palace.

Aladdin: I wish for Jafar to be turned into a cracker.

Jafar screams as he’s turned into a cracker. Aladdin picks it up and looks over to Iago, Jafar’s parrot. He extends the cracker toward the bird.

Aladdin: Here ya go.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Belle finishes singing through her small French village and walks into the modest-sized library. She looks for the librarian.

Belle: Monsieur? I’m here to return your book…

The librarian is nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Goldilocks pops out from behind the few shelves, surprising Belle.

Goldilocks: Oh, hi there! You looking for just the right book, too? I’ve been here all morning…couldn’t find anything quite right, though…

They sit at a table across from each other as they continue their discussion.

Belle: Well, to tell the truth, I’ve actually read all the books here already—multiple times, in fact. This small provincial town is just so boring, you know?

Goldilocks: *nods knowingly* I know just what you mean. You’re a city girl, then?

Belle: Well, no, actually. Paris is a bit too…frantic. I’d really prefer something in between—a nice suburban castle or something, maybe.

Goldilocks: *giggles* You’re my type of girl: never settling for anything but the most ridiculously perfect balance of everything. Let me tell you what I did just last week…

Goldilocks tells the story of how she snuck into the home of the three bears; how she found just the right softness of chair, just the right temperature of porridge, and just the right length of bed. Then the bears came home…

Belle: And they found you asleep in the Baby Bear’s bed? How on earth did you get out of there alive?

Goldilocks: *grins mischievously* Oh, I didn’t actually fall asleep in a stranger’s bed; that would’ve been completely idiotic. When I heard the front door being unlocked, I snuck out back into their garage to swipe a getaway vehicle. Papa Bear’s monster truck was too flamboyant and Baby Bear’s Honda Civic too plain, so I made due with Mama Bear’s Mini Cooper and punched it out of there before they could gobble me up.

Belle: *just stares at Goldilocks for a long moment* O…kay…so you wanna give me a lift out of this place? There’s this creepy guy Gaston who keeps proposing to me every day.

Goldilocks: *glances at a calendar on the wall* Sure thing. Only, I wasn’t planning on leaving until the summer solstice; that’ll be just the right time to head back to Germany to steal from the vineyards. You won’t get kidnapped or anything before then, will you?

Belle: *laughs* What are the chances of that?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest to her grandma’s to deliver her basket of goodies, skipping and singing and admiring the colorful flowers and rays of sunshine glowing through the trees. Suddenly, a wolf appears on the path in front of her.

Wolf: Hello, little girl; where might you be headed all alone in these dense woods where no one would be able to hear you scream?

Red: Oh, I’m just on my way to deliver this basket of pastries to my Granny.

Wolf: *sniffs the wafting deliciousness coming from within the basket* Could I…try one?

Red: *jumps back in fright* No! These are all for Granny. Now let me through, you creepy wolf, and get yourself and that disgustingly large nose of yours away from my basket!”

Wolf: *growls hungrily and prepares to pounce* All the better to smell you with, my—

Red stabs the wolf with a dagger concealed in her cloak; the wolf howls and drops to the ground, stunned and wounded.

Wolf: OW! What the frick was that?

Red: What, you think a little girl like me would just wander through the woods on my own without anything to defend myself?

She giggles, steps over the wolf’s body, and skips on, innocently swinging the basket at her side. Soon, she comes across a trail of bread crumbs leading across the path.

Red: Huh?

As she reaches down to examine the crumbs, Hansel and Gretel emerge from the bushes, wrench the basket of goodies from Red’s hands, push her over, and disappear into the shrubs on the other side of the path, whooping at their latest acquisition.

Red: Hey!

Red considers going after them, but finally sighs and shakes her head, moving on with only her dagger in hand.

ADAM AND EVE

Adam and Eve have just been placed in the Garden of Eden. An angel sent by God is explaining God’s first two commandments to them again.

Angel: Remember, the first one is “Thou shalt multiply and replenish the Earth.”

Adam and Eve glance at each other, not fully comprehending.

Adam: Okay; as soon as we figure out how to do that, we’ll do it.

Eve: How do we multiply and replenish the Earth, exactly?

Angel: You, uh…well…you’ll figure that out once you’ve become mortal and are able to bear children. Anyway, like we’ve told you before, the second commandment is “Thou shalt not partake of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil; for in the day you eat of it, you will surely die.”

Eve: You mean we’ll become mortal?

Angel: Yes.

Adam: So let me get this straight: The only way for us to obey the first commandment is to become mortal by eating the fruit of this tree, but the only way for us to obey the second commandment is to not eat the fruit and remain immortal forever? It’s impossible for us to do both! That makes no sense!

Angel: Of course it does. Once you use your agency to choose the sorrows and joys of mortality, your posterity will be able to learn, grow, die, resurrect, and be happy like God is.

Eve: So they don’t have to choose mortality over endless stasis, but we do?

Angel: Actually, they chose in the premortal world to accept God’s plan and receive mortal bodies, so they did choose.

Adam: But we chose mortality back then with them, so why do we have to go through this impossible scenario here and choose again?

Angel: *quite flustered by this point* Because…because…you know what? I don’t know. Take it up with the man upstairs next time he comes around. *the angel flies off*

Eve: So…what do we do now?

Adam: I dunno…we could go gather some fruit or name some animals or something.

Eve: What kinds of animals?

Adam: You know, fowls of the air; fish of the sea; beasts and insects of the earth; creatures that crawl and slither on the ground…that sort of thing.

Eve: Slither on the ground? I like the sound of that.