This was a fun little project I did for my “Myth, Legend, and Folktales” class. It’s inspired by the “How It Should Have Ended” Youtube series. Yes, some of them are just dumb; but that’s the spirit of the series. There are also some crazy crossovers, ridiculed plot holes, and a couple running jokes that you’ll have to read all the screenplay sketches to understand.
Enjoy!
CONTENTS
Part I
Aladdin
Beauty and the Beast
Little Red Riding Hood
Adam & Eve
Part II
Pinocchio
The Gingerbread Man
The Epic of Gilgamesh
Rumpelstiltskin
The Little Mermaid
The Mwindo Epic
Part III
The Three Little Pigs
The Wizard of Oz
Cupid & Psyche
PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio is conversing with the Blue Fairy inside the circus trailer where he’s just been freed from the owner, Stromboli.
Pinocchio: So let me get this straight: If I ever tell a lie, my nose will grow?
Blue Fairy: Yes, that’s right.
Pinocchio: And I can only become a real boy by being brave, true, and unselfish through a series of slave-driving, treasure-hunting, whale-swallowing tasks?
Blue Fairy: *smiles and nods* Exactly!
Pinocchio: *pauses to think for a moment* What about truth paradoxes?
Blue Fairy: *frowns* Paradoxes? What do you mean?
Pinocchio: *clears his throat* Either I’m a real boy, or my nose will now grow.
Magical tendrils and sparks swirl around Pinocchio, transforming him into a real boy. He beams up at the Blue Fairy with a bit of a snide smile.
Blue Fairy: But…*sighs* Never mind. You’ll just have to learn life’s lessons as a real boy, which really wouldn’t have been harder to learn as a puppet anyway.
She leaves in a puff of blue smoke.
THE GINGERBREAD MAN
A sentient gingerbread cookie leaps off the recently cooled cookie sheet and jumps out the open window, jeering and hollering like a maniac as the old woman who had baked him makes to pursue him down the path toward the woods.
Gingerbread Man: Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can’t catch me! I’m the—
Hansel bites off the cookie’s head, then breaks it in half and hands the other portion to his sister. They share a confused look with the old woman, then shrug and head back into the woods to follow the ever-stretching trail of bread crumbs.
THE EPIC OF GILGAMESH
King Gilgamesh has just returned after besting the demon Humbaba, the Bull of Heaven, and the scorpion guardians; however, he has also been humbled by his failure to achieve immortality because he couldn’t stay awake for a week and because he lost a youth-giving plant to a serpent. He has become a wise and farsighted ruler who has accepted his own mortality, knowing that humankind and his legacy will live on. He ponders these things in his private chamber, looking out a window over his kingdom.
Gilgamesh: Truly it was wisdom that the gods tested me thus; for had it not been so, I would still be the prideful, raping, slave-driving, elixir-seeking prick I had once been.
Suddenly, a servant bursts through the doors, panting heavily.
Servant: Your majesty! A thousand pardons, but I’ve received great news from the prostitute Shamhat.
Gilgamesh, whose former self would have had this intrusive servant drawn and quartered for his brashness, nods patiently.
Gilgamesh: Do go on, friend. What is this news?
Servant: She has come across and, uh…persuaded information from a man by the name of Nicholas.
Gilgamesh: And?
Servant: Nicholas, under her seduction, showed her a stone wrought of a rare ruby which is said to grant its holder eternal life.
Gilgamesh’s demeanor immediately changes. He grabs a curved sword from his closet and beckons the servant out the door, his every pore and neuron tingling with excitement.
Gilgamesh: By all means, then, boy! Lead the way! We shall obtain this stone—what was it called?
Servant: The Sorcerer’s Stone, sir.
Gilgamesh: Right. We shall seize this Sorcerer’s Stone by however much bloodshed it may take, and then I shall become invincible and supreme, even as the gods!
Voldemort apparates into the bedchamber.
Voldemort: You call that immortality? Compared to my Horcruxes, the Sorcerer’s Stone is naught but a child’s plaything!
He kills them both with Avada Kedavra.
Voldemort: But I’ll take the stone anyways. It could be useful for turning Harry Potter into gold…
RUMPELSTILTSKIN
Rumpelstiltskin appears to the Miller’s daughter and offers to weave the straw into gold for the price of her firstborn child.
Rumpelstiltskin: Do we have a deal, then?
Miller’s Daughter: Yes. Please; I’ll give you anything you ask!
Rumpelstiltskin: *holds out hand but retracts slightly when the girl reaches to shake it* Are you absolutely sure? This agreement constitutes a binding contract, one that I will expect you to fulfill or else suffer severe consequences.
The Miller’s daughter eagerly shakes his hand. Rumpelstiltskin shrugs and gets to work. Two years later, Rumpelstiltskin returns to the castle to claim his part from the miller’s daughter, who is now married to the king and is cradling her newborn child in her arms.
Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve come for my payment. I wove the straw into gold as you asked, and in return you promised me your firstborn child.
Miller’s Daughter: *descends into hysterical sobs* No, please! There must be some way for me to keep my daughter. Can’t I guess your name in three days or something for you to drop your claim?
Rumpelstiltskin: What a terrible idea. Why on earth would I do that? I’d end up with nothing for all the work I did; and that was one long night of weaving, let me tell you. No, I’m afraid I must insist that you give me the baby…now.
Miller’s Daughter: *screaming now* NO! I won’t do it! Get out!
Rumpelstiltskin: Then you leave me no choice.
Rumpelstiltskin presses charges against the miller’s daughter for breaking her contract. The lawsuit is upheld, and he is given custody of the baby along with all the money the king made from the gold straw.
THE LITTLE MERMAID
Ariel is singing “Part of Your World,” spinning up through her cavern of Thingymabobs.
Ariel: ♫ Part of your— ♪
King Triton crashes into the cave, causing her cornucopia of human trinkets to fall from their places and scatter irretrievably into the empty ocean. He is followed by a mermaid with iron gray hair and a severe expression.
King Triton: ARIEL. Come down here; there’s someone I want you to meet.
Ariel swims down to face the woman and frowns. She makes her feel inexplicably uncomfortable.
Ariel: Daddy…? Who’s this?
King Triton: This…is your new mother. She’s recently been done a great injustice by her former stepdaughter, who left her to fend for herself and ran off with some prince just because he brought her a slipper.
Ariel: *raises an eyebrow* Slipper? She’d have to have feet for that. You don’t mean to tell me she’s…human?
King Triton: Of course. I just had Ursula work a bit of her innocent voodoo and transform her into a mermaid. As a father who somehow manages to be both overbearing and neglectful at the same time, I decided you need some motherly discipline so you don’t end up eaten by a shark or displayed in a glass box in a human zoo and then dissected by them.
Wicked Stepmother: *smiles wickedly* I can tell we’ll get along just wonderfully. Now, about that whole “going out to explore the world instead of staying home doing chores all the time” thing…
THE MWINDO EPIC
Shemwindo rages as he hears of his men’s repeated failures to destroy his unwanted newborn son, Mwindo, who he worries could become a threat to his chiefdom.
Shemwindo: You oafs! How hard can it be to slay an infant? *grabs a servant by the throat, tightening his grip with each word* YOU…HAD…ONE…JOB!
Another servant steps forward and pleads for his fellowservant’s release.
Servant: Please, Chief. We have done our best. In fact, we have done everything you have told us to do. First we threw spears at your pregnant wife and all missed even at point-blank range; then we buried him six feet under and he just crawled right out of it the next day; and then we dropped him into a river inside a heavy log, but he returned unharmed.
Shemwindo: You know what? I believe I have an idea. Have you heard the tales of the immortal African children who live off their victims’ blood…?
Shemwindo and his men go down and take the baby Mwindo again. This time, they give him the vampire funereal treatment, ripping his body into dozens of pieces and then burning the remains. Mwindo does not return the next day.
Shemwindo: And that is how it’s done.
The Commonplace Notebook 