This was a fun little project I did for my “Myth, Legend, and Folktales” class. It’s inspired by the “How It Should Have Ended” Youtube series. Yes, some of them are just dumb; but that’s the spirit of the series. There are also some crazy crossovers, ridiculed plot holes, and a couple running jokes that you’ll have to read all the screenplay sketches to understand.
Enjoy!
CONTENTS
Part I
Aladdin
Beauty and the Beast
Little Red Riding Hood
Adam & Eve
Part II
Pinocchio
The Gingerbread Man
The Epic of Gilgamesh
Rumpelstiltskin
The Little Mermaid
The Mwindo Epic
Part III
The Three Little Pigs
The Wizard of Oz
Cupid & Psyche
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
The Big Bad Wolf is hunting the Three Little Pigs to each of their houses, determined to blow their houses down and gobble them up. He successfully blows down the straw house, but the pig escapes to the stick house of his brother. The wolf is now approaching the house of sticks.
Wolf: Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!
Little Pigs: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!
Wolf: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!
The wolf draws near the house and prepares to blow—only for an alarm to go off. It’s only then that he notices the blue ADT Security sign posted in the front yard. Within seconds, cop cars have begun swarming around the house, and the wolf is forcibly detained, arrested, and carted off to jail with a muzzle over his snout.
[Take 2]
Wolf: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll—
A bucket of honey drops onto his head, followed by a shower of goose feathers that makes him look like a dripping, disfigured chicken. Then, a spring-loaded punching glove shoots out from a hidden hatch in the door, rocketing the wolf well away from the pigs’ premises, his flight only coming to a halt when he smacks into an oak tree and slinks to the ground.He hears a buzzing sound and slowly looks up. An active beehive falls from the tree and lands on his lap.
Wolf: Oh, bother…
[Take 3]
Wolf: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll…ah…puff…and…zzzzzzzzzzz…
The wolf has unwittingly inhaled the soporific pollen of the poppy flower from Oz, which the pigs had the foresight to plant around their house in the event that the wolf should attempt to vandalize their property and their pork chops. The wolf drops to the ground, already fast asleep.
Then comes Phase Two. One of the pigs calls his good friend Dorothy (who had supplied him with the poppies), and right on cue, a tornado suddenly generates above them, sweeping the entire house away without so much as dislocating a single stick.
The wolf, on the other hand, becomes the unwitting recipient/landing pad of a wayward cow.
THE WIZARD OF OZ
Dorothy has just landed in Oz and met the Munchkins. The Wicked Witch of the East is dead, crushed beneath Dorothy’s house. The Good Witch of the North is instructing Dorothy on how to follow the Yellow Brick Road. The Wicked Witch of the West then comes and makes her threats against Dorothy’s life for not giving up the slippers. Before she rides off on her broomstick, however, a thought occurs to the little girl.
Dorothy: Wait…so if you’re the Witch of the West, she’s the Witch of the North, and she’s the Witch of the East…who’s the Witch of the South?
Witch of the North: *exchanges a glance with the Witch of the West* We do not speak of the Witch of the South, my dear. L. Frank Baum originally wrote the novel with a Good Witch of the South called Glinda who actually plays a fairly important role in getting you home. But I decided to steal her name and identity for the Steven Schwartz Broadway musical and integrate her into my character. And the 1939 cult classic film doesn’t even try that hard.
Witch of the West: *nods* We basically all decided to just forget that the southern deserts of the Quadling Country ever existed.
Witch of the North: And the direction called South, apparently.
Dorothy: Then…who’s that?
They all turn to behold a woman floating in a shroud of white sparkles from the sky, landing gracefully before them.
Witch of the North: Oh, dear…Sister, aren’t you supposed to be helping that girl con her way to the throne with a magic pumpkin?
Fairy Godmother: *laughs* Oh, Glinda, don’t be silly! I finished my work with Cinderella ages ago; turns out that prince was actually a decent human being who would’ve recognized the face of the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen—glass slipper or not. Speaking of which… *she bends down to inspect Dorothy’s newly acquired ruby slippers* Aren’t those just darling?
[Take 2]
Dorothy: Then…who’s that?
They all turn to behold the recently apparated figure of Hermione Granger.
Hermione: Aguamenti!
A jet of water spurts from her wand and strikes the Wicked Witch of the West, causing her to melt, screaming, into a formless heap. Hermione shakes her head and looks at Glinda.
Hermione: Honestly, Glinda…I don’t understand how you could possibly allow that hag to go around killing peasants and kidnapping children with her ghastly flying monkeys and her “Oreo”-chanting guards. Frankly, your passive dumping of this little girl into deadly situations that you could’ve prevented with a simple water charm…it’s disgusting.
Awkward silence.
[Take 3]
Dorothy: Then…who’s that?
An ugly old woman stumbles up to the throng of Munchkins, her shaky hand leaning heavily on a stick. She offers Dorothy a rose. Dorothy takes it hesitantly.
Dorothy: Um…thank you?
Witch of the West: Well, someone’s changed their tune; last time I saw you, you were busy handing out poisoned apples to every girl prettier than you.
Witch of the North: *to the old woman* Oh, sister, don’t mind her. Everyone knows you’ve left your days as an Evil Queen far beyond you.
Dorothy: I didn’t.
Witch of the North: These days, you help young men see past their surface-level lusts and help virtuous Beauties find the princes they deserve. Isn’t that right?
The Enchantress transforms into a beautiful witch before their eyes, resplendent in a golden dress that shines like the sun. She smiles at her sisters and at Dorothy.
Enchantress: This is precisely why I eschew the label “witch,” sisters. When I’m a queen or an enchantress, I can make myself whoever I wish, be it good or evil—yet if I am called a witch, so many bigots automatically stereotype me as a wart-covered, curse-casting, cackling, nasty old crone.
Dorothy: Well, I don’t think it helps that you actually do all those—
Enchantress: You know what? Nobody asked you!
The Enchantress curses Dorothy, turning her into a toad. She summons a black cat to her side, shoves the Witch of the West off her broomstick, mounts it, and flies away, cackling like a creaking, rotting door, and belting out horrible rhymes about potions and the devil’s spell book.
[Scene Change]
Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion have returned to Oz and are awaiting their agreed-upon rewards. The Wizard approaches the Scarecrow.
Wizard: Now, Scarecrow, old bean, because I’m a fraud who just manipulated you all to kill the Witch of the West for me and thus maintain absolute control over the encroaching Populism of the Emerald City, I cannot provide you an actual brain. However, hopefully this falsified diploma will be close enough.
Scarecrow: Are you kidding me? What is this garbage? And how can I even form these words of frustration without having a brain already?
The Wizard approaches the Tin Man.
Wizard: As for you, sir, I’m afraid the closest I can come to giving you a heart is this cheap alarm clock I found at the thrift store. But, see—it ticks and everything! Pretty neat, eh?
Tin Man: This is total bogus. If I were truly heartless, I would probably axe your head off right now.
The Wizard approaches the Cowardly Lion.
Wizard: And you, my furry friend—in this case, courage really isn’t a reasonable, tangible thing to ask for; you should really just suck it up and learn not to be a wuss. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll give you this medal that definitely isn’t a spray-painted bottle cap from the thirtieth bottle of ale I chugged last night.
Lion: You’re right; I should totally take charge and own up to my own problems instead of expecting other people to solve them for me!
Later, the Wizard accidentally leaves Dorothy behind as he flies off in his balloon back to Kansas.
Scarecrow: What are you gonna do now, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I’m afraid he’s left me no choice.
Dorothy presses charges against the Wizard for gross perjury, extortion, animal abuse, racism, and child negligence. The lawsuit is upheld, and she is given the deed to the Emerald Palace, the Wizard’s balloon, and his agricultural acreage in Kansas.
CUPID AND PSYCHE
Psyche is sleeping with a man who keeps his identity shrouded in darkness and warns her against trying to find out who he is at her own peril. After a long period of resistance, Psyche finally gives in and lights a candle while her lover is asleep, revealing his true identity.
Psyche: My love? *gasps* How can this be?
Beast: *awakens* You know, I would be angry, but that Enchantress’s rose has already lost all its petals, and I’m stuck in this form forever anyway, so let’s just keep this between us, shall we? You don’t tell Gaston where to find me, and I won’t tell your jealous stepsisters you’re dating a monster.
Psyche: …Deal.
[Take 2]
Psyche: My love? *gasps* How can this be?
Silva: *awakens* Oh, my Yellow Woman, surely at last you have come to recognize your destined role as my divine wife, yes?
Psyche: I’ve come to recognize this.
She grabs a rifle from underneath the bed, cocks the weapon, and aims it at Silva’s head.
Psyche: Now that I know you’re not some kind of supernatural demigod, you’re gonna get out of that bed and leave this house and never come back. Your money’s all mine now—all mine to share with my stepsisters and stepmother. Then I’ll have real family bonds instead of a sketchy series of one-night stands with a creepy guy who refuses to show his face. Understand?
Silva: Mother was right: I should’ve stuck with that gullible Navajo girl…
[Take 3]
Psyche: My love? *gasps* How can this be?
Anakin Skywalker: From the moment I met you, Psyche, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again…I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you—I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating…hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me…what can I do? I will do anything you ask.
Psyche: In spite of George Lucas’s terrible screenplay, I’m strangely okay with this.
She climbs back into bed.
[Scene Change]
Psyche has completed the tasks set upon her by Cupid’s mother, Venus, in order to win her approval of Psyche’s relationship with Cupid. She has sorted out a huge pile of seeds, retrieved the Golden Fleece, filled a flask from the water that fills the River Styx, and returned from the Underworld with a box of the beauty ointment of Proserpina. However, in spite of the instructions given her by various guides, her curiosity gets the better of her once again, and she decides to open the Pandora’s Box she acquired along the way.
Michael Bolton’s “I Can Go the Distance” begins playing from inside.
Pandora’s Box: ♫ I have often dreamed…of a far-off place…where a great, warm welcome would be waiting for me… ♪
Psyche sits down and begins experimenting with the music box, which features a randomized playlist of related content broken by limited advertisements every few songs.
Psyche: Wow…Cupid will love this! I’ve gotta go and—hey!
From the nearby woods, Hansel and Gretel burst out and swipe Pandora’s Music Box as they pass by, still carrying Red’s basket and gingerbread crumbs stuffed in their pockets. They giggle and reenter the woods at another point, still following their trail of bread crumbs.
Psyche: I should be upset right now, but I just can’t. I mean, those children were so adorable, I could just eat them up!
The Commonplace Notebook 