1. Always Generalize
When it comes to winning political debates—particularly on the internet—there’s no better way to assert your rhetorical dominance than to open by grouping your opponents into one homogenous bubble.
For example, you could start your claim with the all-encompassing word “Republicans” or “Democrats.” This will in no way discredit your assertion by ignoring all the individuals in that group who don’t fit whatever description you complete your sentence with.
It’s much better to treat your opponents as if they all think exactly the same, rather than going through the irksome trouble of acknowledging any nuance of thought within that party. Phrases like “Some Republicans” or “some far-left Democrats,” for example, only weaken your claim and should never be used.
2. Assume Their Motives
If there’s one thing you know for sure in a political debate, it’s that you hold the exclusive moral high ground, and the other party must therefore be out for society’s ethical blood. Never consider the possibility that both parties are mostly made up of good, sincere people who want to promote good values and happy lives. Don’t even let the thought cross your mind that the loudest voices tend to be the more extreme ones and rarely represent the moderate majority. And above all, remember that you can read their minds and see through all their facades, while your motives are incorrigibly pure and perfect.
3. Exaggerate, Exaggerate, Exaggerate
One of the best ways to drive your point home is to pound it in with inflated semantics. Some good starters for doing this include “Trigger-happy, choice-hating Republicans never… ,” “This Democratic president is the literal anti-Christ because… ,” “Our economy is the bestest ever because of this single factor…,” and “All dogs go to heaven.” The added punch will beat your opponent so soundly that all matters of factual accuracy will fall by the wayside before your hyperbolic prowess.
4. Do Your “Research”
No savvy political debater is complete without equipping themselves with all the selectively beneficial statistics they can find on page 14 of their last-minute Google search. Keep in mind that what matters isn’t so much the majority consensus of the scientific community, but the dramatic bar graphs that you can zoom in or out on to present as major or minor a problem as you desire. Even the source itself doesn’t necessarily need to be that credible; a popular blogger who uses lots of big sciencey words, for example, will do just fine.
5. Remember It’s All or Nothing
It is imperative that you never, EVER admit to anyone in your party having done anything wrong, ever. Your worldview produces nothing but perfect leaders, eternally righteous ideologies, and flawless administrative decisions. If Satan himself joined your party, his actions would redefine all concepts of right and wrong and he would still be right. You can’t spell “My party is imperfect” without “My party is perfect.”
On the other hand, it is verifiably impossible for any of your opponent’s ideas to have any merit whatsoever. Agreeing with any of them is outright heresy, and coming to a sensible compromise is a clear indication that you’ve done something horribly wrong. The opponent’s leaders are equally and irredeemably wrong about everything. If their president saved a puppy from starvation, that would be a mistake. Any sexual allegations or other accusations against them are absolutely accurate and unforgiveable, while any such claims against your own leaders are either fraudulent or not that big of a deal anyway.
6. Use Sentence Enhancers
Another excellent tool to weaponize against the enemy is the art of language. Calling someone an idiot is bland and lukewarm; simply modify it to “f—ing idiot” and you’ll have achieved the pizazz necessary to pummel their self-esteem into oblivion. Other useful elements include using all-caps to capture their attention and respect, and saturating all your posts with as many personal insults as possible. These techniques will accomplish the dual purpose of roundhouse kicking your opponent’s feeble logic with pathologic rigor, as well as displaying your superior intellect and linguistic refinement.
7. Always Have the Last Word
No matter what happens, you cannot let your opponent make the last comment—at any cost. If you do, then people reading through your extensive comment thread with bowls of popcorn will invariably decide the last comment wins the argument, no matter how well you presented yours throughout. Even if it means repeatedly pretending to respect their opinion or to passive-aggressively value your friendship with them, do whatever it takes to be the sensible one who ends the debate. If you started the thread, you can also utilize the handy tool of deleting their comments, or even deleting your own to make theirs look stupid out of context.
In the end, it’s not really about winning; it’s just about making them lose.
The Commonplace Notebook 